“I just hope one day we’ll stop adding to the list.” Those were the words I wrote less than 24 hours ago when first addressing the Alton Sterling murder.
Since Tuesday night when I first heard of Alton Sterling murder I’ve been in this weird thinking space. So let me try to explain.
Tuesday night, 11 pm: I’m recording an episode of my podcast and the conversation goes from Ayesha Curry to Black Twitter and the state of black life. It was interesting, people say that a lot but it really was because it was one of those organic conversations that I love to have, especially on this topic.
Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning around 12:30 am: I’m in my house with the producer of my show and a good friend of mine. We end up talking about the circumstances of what happened behind me getting pulled over two weeks ago. It’s weird, this conversation isn’t angry or revengeful, it’s just sad. We seem to just chalk it to what life is.
Wednesday: I wake up and it’s just all sad. I’m off of work this week so it’s just like, no running away from the story or the opinions on it for the day. I tried my hardest though, I took another look at the ongoing Joe Budden and Drake beef, I was trying to not think about it. I’ve thought about this subject enough.
Wednesday 1pm: This method doesn’t work, at all. I finally decide to write about Alton Sterling situation and how I felt. Hopeless was the answer. The video was what really struck me. I could only imagine being pinned to the ground by two men – moving in the slightest and that being the end of my life. I watched that, I saw that and the feelings were crazy.
Wednesday night: I go to sleep at about midnight, but before I go to sleep I catch on my timeline that another man has been shot by the police, this time in Minnesota, and in front of his girlfriend and four-year-old daughter. I refused to watch and went to bed.
Thursday morning: Since I’ve woke up to as I’m writing this I truly don’t know what to feel. Anger seems like an appropriate emotion, but I’ve felt that before about this same exact situation. Sadness feels right, but we just went through all of those emotions yesterday. So I guess drained is the word of choice today. It’s tiring to see women cry and talk about being scared of their sons & daughters, brothers, & sisters, husbands & wives and other loved ones leaving home and not making it back. It’s tiring to see men hopeless with no answers as to how to protect themselves or their loved ones.
It’s not just the uncertainty of the situation we’re currently facing, but on how to fix it, if ever that I think is most draining the most.
R.I.P. Philando Castile & Alton Sterling